Did it catch you? It caught me. When my sister serenaded that song to me, I definitely thought she was calling me vain. Well, my sister did say before I was very vain and self absorbed. She said I always thought everything should revolve around me. So, just for a second, did you think I was talking about you and why I called you vain? Did you think about how you might be vain? Maybe not, but everyone is different.
Well anyways... I'm gonna tell a few stories about myself now.
Story #1
I've always loved selfies. Back in highschool, I would literally take hours out of my day to have selfie photoshoots. No lie. I mean, who did that? Shouldn't I have been studying? Well I did study too. I was a role model student with good grades, good friends, AND a well paying job to buy nice things! I even had a social life too! It felt so perfect. To me, my selfies were like projections of the multi-faceted and talented me to show to all the world. For a while, I convinced myself that I was almost like the perfect asian girl who had everything. It made me feel good about myself. I mean, who doesn't want to be perfect?
Story #2.
I was brought up in a good family. I believe my parents taught me well or did what they believed to be the best, but they were always very strict like any typical immigrant Chinese parent who worked their ass off to live in Canada. One day, my dad asked me what 2+3 equalled. I told him 2+3=6, and not surprisingly he said I wrong. But, isn't 2+3 close to being 6? Wasn't I close? When I asked him that, he stated "no, it needs to be exact or else, it is wrong." He was right. 2+3 isn't 6, but 6 still seemed closer than 66 to me. If I got the wrong answer, I would get scolded and be told to practice more. If I got, it right, I would get another math question testing my abilities. All I knew was that, I had to keep on improving on myself to get praise and recognition. Maybe that's when I realized I should behave accordingly if I wanted praise. Maybe the part of me who wants to be perfect, have everything, and be liked and welcomed by all started from there.
Or maybe it was when I was compared to my perfect sister who did everything right. Or maybe it started from the day I was told to hit myself. I didn't do the right thing and my mom and my sister demanded that I slap myself across my own face to admit to what I've done wrong. I wasn't allowed to do anything until I did that. Now, that shame, that humiliation- needless to say, that wasn't a very pleasant memory. I think I definitely learned that I should behave and listen up then. Or else bad things would happen.
Story #3.
Wait....no. I've got it wrong. Maybe my fear of not being accepted and welcomed started from grade 4. What does grade 4 mean to you? Probably to most people, they imagine themselves as kids, skipping rope and playing with their friends (maybe they remember being in those classroom portables too). When I think of gr. 4, all I can remember is sneers on the faces of my peers. I just moved to a new affluent neighbourhood, and just like any other kid, I wanted to make new friends. But no one would play games with me. I was the awkward asian girl who dressed weird and did weird things. My family didn't have money, so I wore hand me downs for as long as I can remember. When my mother found out I had no friends, she took me to Zellers to get brand new outfits. What a privilege it was at that time! How exciting! What has happened to me now? Why did I buy that $900 winter jacket last year? Was i trying to prove that I could buy nice things too? Was it so I could fit in with my peers who owned nice things too? I'm just a few thousand dollars in debt now... no biggie... I still got OSAP loans until I graduate...
Thinking back, I remember one day when the other kids were playing manhunt, I asked the most popular girl if I could play. I remember the face she made- expressions of shock, fear, distaste, nervousness, and disgust. She was afraid of me and definitely didn't want to be playing or associated with me. Grade 4 was a year when I had no friends. Absolutely NONE. No one to even pass me a slight smile or even one word of encouragement. I just so badly just wanted to be liked and be accepted by someone.
Story #4
Perhaps it was when a very close person told me she liked me. Did I like her? I don't know. But I did know that even if I ever did, it would never happen unless it just somehow become the norm and accepted. You see, I'm almost certain I only like men. But there's that 1% in me that wonders if I just convinced myself to believe that I could never like another sex. I can't deny the faint resemblance of attraction. She did really resemble a boy.. Either way, in my dictionary of the right or proper things to do- it was out of the question.
Growing up with all these standards and being preached the "right" things to do, I try to conform to all the rules around me and succeed in tasks and duties. I've learned the fear of rejection, humiliation, as I'm sure we all have. But, how exactly can I succeed in things around me? It's hard to play by the rules in life when rules and roles keep on changing. One moment, I'm the hardworking and trustful employee. Sometimes, i'm the girl walking around in circles starry eyed and high at a drug infested club experiencing life with my friends. Sometimes, I'm the moral preaching girl who holds distaste for doing the "wrong" things. I can be the caring girlfriend who likes to be able to depend on her man. I am also be the girl who yells out for gender equality. What a hypocrite I can be. It's hard to please everyone. It's hard to please myself.
Story #5
When will I have my happy ending? I feel a constant pressure for continual change and correction to keep up with the world around me -a change for self improvement. It's hard to get away from thinking about yourself when it's all around you. How many times have I seen the phrases-
"Me, Myself, and I"
"Love yourself"
"Be yourself, be unique"
"Six way to make him love you"
"How to become successful"
It's as if we are all being led down a path to our own self fulfillment. How can I look better? How can I be more caring? How can I become smarter? How can i cook better? How can I be more like her? How can I become a better person? How can I become rich? How can I be more selfless? Sometimes, I really care. Other times, I give up and I'm like fuck that shit. I sick of trying.
Okay, that's enough of my stories. They're not even stories really. I just wanted to categorize and group the paragraphs I've written, so it could make more sense. It's probably clear by now that i've got a little obsession with myself and a desire to get it "right". Maybe it's not that clear. O well.
The list to being perfect and doing the "right" thing is endless- how can i be the perfect daughter, student, friend, lover, worker, wife, mother, girl, woman? There are so many roles and expectations we all face. But unlike the way it is in fairytales and disney movies, life doesn't hand us a perfect black and white role to play and script to read for a happy ending.
Talking about fairytales...here's some eye candy! hahahaha i love the way i just changed the topic o so smoothly...
Enjoy! -Annie Leibovitz is pretty amazing :)
She has inspired me to add a little pink pet pig to my so called "blue and couchy" painting (hopefully it will look okay!)
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O yeah! Before I forget, here's a rough cut of a clip from a video i'm making! It may or may not be part of the final video...
Possible titles that relate to this clip directly could be...
-120 seconds to dry my hair
-I gotta dry my hair. dry my hair. my hair.
Left in a little blooper at end. That's what I'm actually thinking throughout the time I'm blowing hot air in my face. Just kidddddddinnnggggggg. Anyways, just in the process of thinking of stuff and possibly pulling it together with the other clips i took last night till 4 am! Holy, no wonder i am tired and grumpy today. Even had coffee in the morning even though i hate how coffee stains the teeth and makes out breath smell bad.
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